Confession: to the extent I have a plan, I’d intended to write this month’s official “A Word from Jess” post on self-love. Y’know, a “February equals Valentine’s Day which too often equals exclusion of anyone not living in a cis-het rom-com and that’s not most people's reality so let’s get romantic with ourselves” kind of thing.
I’m really, really tired. I’m punchy. At time of writing, I’d just returned from my second business trip in two weeks. And I’ve been way too damn earnest in this space. The passion and intensity I’ve poured into this platform are real. One hundred percent. But they’re not all of me. And I don’t have the headspace for important thoughts right now.
So, in keeping with #TWFT52, and because lists are a known writer’s trick to save the day when cohesive thought fails, here are 52 small ways for you to get to know the human behind The Word for This:
52. My favorite move is “A Fish Called Wanda” – in related news, though, I’m not a Monty Python fan. (Also, I’ve memorized many of my cinematic loves, and can recite entire scripts. Pretty sure no one likes watching movies with me.)
51. My wardrobe consists of black, dark black, and light black. If I'm feeling bold, I wear navy. "One does want a hint of color."
50. Despite the previous item, I love surrounding myself with color – everything in the cool range of the spectrum, from teal-green to deep indigo.
49. Useless talent: writing Weird-Al-style spoof song lyrics. When I was in third grade, my buddies and I wrote and performed “Sound of the Dryer” to the tune of “Eye of the Tiger.” Last week, one of the aforementioned buddies ran into an old classmate who remembered it and started quoting lyrics at him. I don’t know whether this is legendary or disturbing.
48. In case you can’t tell so far, I’m officially a “woman of a certain age.” Getting old is hilarious because in my head I’m a teenage boy.
47. Speaking of teenagers, I’m a mom and stepmom to four rather excellent teen and young adult humans, and stepmom-in-law to a lovely, unique young woman as well. I adore my reality as a mom as much as I hate the advertising demographic stereotypes and Pinterest-perfect visuals of what motherhood is supposed to look like. It sooooo does not.
46. I want to create an autumn month called Portmanteauber for my fellow word nerds. Who’s with me?
45. I believe that leggings are pants, Nutella has magic powers, and everyone should own and use sex toys with zero taboo.
44. My alcohol tolerance is virtually nonexistent. I don't get drunk. But anything more than one moderate drink just makes me feel like crap. I hate feeling like crap.
43. I can lift my right eyebrow, but not my left.
42. I’d like to enact a law banning clothing tags and sock seams.
41. I read obsessively and typically have three books going at any given time: one that’s in the informational/educational/aspirational/motivational category, one new novel, and one novel I’ve read multiple times (because you can’t read before bed when you don’t know what words are going to come next and actually expect to fall asleep… can you?).
40. Insomnia visits me often.
39. I wish my freckles were more prominent. I really like freckles.
38. I’m allergic to cats and usually try to avoid them – which means they seek me out relentlessly.
37. Strangers often tell me I look like Liza Minelli. I don’t mind the comparison, as long as we’re referring to circa-1972-Cabaret-Liza. Also, it is just me or is telling a stranger they look like another human being kind of a bizarre thing to do? (I'm OK if it's just me.)
36. My first known written publication was in first grade, when I took Honorable Mention in a local creative writing contest. Somewhere in the annals of Suffolk County, New York, “Wally the Watermelon” is memorialized.
35. I have an oddly high threshold for household clutter, but am an obsessive laundress.
34. I’ve mis-numbered this backwards-countdown four times since I started writing. No, wait. Five.
33. As a kid, I was obsessed with reading about natural disasters, shark attacks, and hospital ERs. Looking back, I was probably trying to work through topics that made me anxious… but the local librarian just thought I was really, really weird.
32. I dream vividly and symbolically, and early morning lucid dreams are my brain’s current fave mindfuck.
31. I have so much respect for others’ privacy that when I get nervous in social situations (so, all the time) I end up talking about myself because I hate to pry… so people probably think I’m a self-centered bore – or boor. I’m actually working on a List of Fascinating Questions that doesn’t involve discussion of work. Especially at work events.
30. Dipping foods into other foods is my preferred way to eat.
29. I get incredibly self-conscious in the driver’s seat if there’s another adult with me.
28. I’ve been on an “angsty ‘90s female singer-songwriter” kick lately and I’m not the least bit ashamed. Isn’t it ironic?
27. Perfume smells gross on me. I wear three-for-$10 Egyptian Musk rollerball scented oil and refused to tell my husband what it was for the first few years of our relationship.
26. I prefer crowds of three or less. (Also, I debated whether to write “less” or “fewer” and while I can explain my choice I’m still not entirely convinced it’s correct.)
25. If I’m a snob or judgmental about anything in this world, it’s language and grammar. I view this as a character defect (and also contributory in racism and other forms of bias I’m rewiring) and am actively working on it. It’s not a trait I like about myself and I'm not willing to accept it any longer.
24. Because I’m only 4’9” (OK, fine, 4’8”-ish at last doc appointment, because getting old is just that fun), I have to take twice as many steps as other humans, so I walk like I know where I’m going – and people follow. This is often an error on their part.
23. I get a kick out of being ridiculously short.
22. My favorite Spotify playlist is Southern Gothic. Stanky garage blues FTW.
21. I need to use the loo right now but don’t feel like getting up.
20. OK, fine. BRB.
19. Whew, that’s better.
18. When giving monetary gifts or making donations, I typically give in multiples of 18 – a Jewish cultural custom arising from Hebrew numerology (the characters that make up the word “life” add up to 18).
17. The only thing that keeps me from giving Target ALL OF MY MONEY is a fairly intense sensory processing disorder.
16. One of the ways my blended family has cemented our bond is through an ever-growing lexicon of made-up words, expressions, and obscure references. Yes, we’re writing them all down. Ask me what it means when I yell “GUYS, WE’VE GOT A 2319, STAT!”
15. First celebrity crush (of very few, total) was River Phoenix. I still mourn the loss of him in the world of actors. He was a special soul.
14. I can only whistle by inhaling, not exhaling. I’m not sure what this means.
13. Being snowed in is deeply restorative for me, and I wish it happened far more often where I live.
12. This may be the year I finally treat myself to a full digital NY Times subscription rather than rationing my articles on a monthly basis.
11. I swear often and creatively, and when American English doesn’t get the job done, I borrow liberally from my comrades across the pond.
10. There are half-filled notebooks scattered all over my house.
9. I’m feeling pressure to make these last few items count, so I’m pretty sure this post isn’t going to end well.
8. Eight, eight… I forget what eight was.
7. Seeing the aurora borealis for the first time was less visually dramatic than expected… but far more spiritually exhilarating than I could have imagined.
6. I don’t understand Snapchat. I’d ask someone to teach me but am scared I’ll accidentally send my goofy-ass face (or my goofy ass-face) to my mother-in-law (who probably knows how to Snapchat far better than I).
5. I have an unabashed flair for dramatic moments, but zero tolerance for creating or participating in drama.
4. Duct tape: I put that shit on everything.
3. I wish I had synesthesia. A lot.
2. I’m fascinated by meme linguistics.
1. If you’re still reading, thank you, you brave soul. And I’ll offer this confession: writing this actually felt great. Feel free to write your own list, whatever length you like, and send to me. I’d be honored to share you with the world.
Much love,
Jess