"I didn't wander into motherhood or nonmotherhood unconsciously, recklessly. I gave it due consideration."
Stumbled on this quote from Sheila Heti and it resonated. The sense of myself as a mother is playing out everywhere right now (including in my own response to tomorrow's TWFT52 prompt).
Motherhood is a kaleidoscope of shifting emotions, a dance of connection and awareness. I found myself sorting through hundreds of old photos of my son (the youngest in my blended brood of five, and the only one with my genes, as evidenced by literally every picture of my wonderful crew).
But a number of the older pics also included the person who engaged in the abusive behaviors at the center of my story, as well as the one should have protected me. I still can't reconcile it all. I know that it played a role in my extreme reluctance to become a parent; how could I possibly have believed I was equipped?
Choosing motherhood may have been the first true act of faith of my life; choosing it again as a stepmother was another. Would I fail them? Have I? (I'm sure the answer is yes, many times.)
There isn't any one right way to become - or to be - a mother, a parent. I never expected to want it, and after that changed, it still took years to feel like something I could claim as identity, not just because I rebelled against the demographic stereotypes (jeans, cars, hair, all intended as sexless and Self-less), but because of the not-good-enoughs. Motherhood for me rarely resembles any depiction I've ever seen, heard, read.
And yet, it's everywhere in me, in every role I occupy in this life. Most certainly, it's here in this work. I hope that's a good thing. I really do.
Much love,
Jess