by Anonymous_181113
[Note: After speaking with this survivor at length, I chose to publish this exactly as written, including breaks because of maximum character limits in chat platform. This is how her story emerged. This is how it needs to be told.]
…what I am about to write out is parts of my rape story and two years after my rape I slept with my rapist. It’s definitely very hard to talk about and I am completely concerned about myself because I feel twisted and crazy. My rape happened to be very aggressive and rough where my body was bruised up and market. It happened by someone I thought cared for me, my ex-boyfriend. I remember that day and it still haunts me even after it being two years later. I feel like I have gotten worse and I just can’t manage to control my emotions. EVERY SINGLE DAY I FEEL WORTHLESS! And yes I capitalize this because I feel very low about myself where I still can’t manage to feel like a normal human-being but like an object. Each and every day I suffer and I am battling tears from falling down while I am working, school, with my children, even when I am free to be with friends I just feel awful and depressed. I can’t take it anymore this feeling is so
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Exhausting and overwhelming that I can tell it affects my body. My voice is always shakey when I am in my bad days throughout the week. I don’t know how to get over this feeling. Sometimes I find myself talking to myself where I say positive things like, I am worthy, I know I will get through this, cry it out it’s ok not to be okay, or where it truly gets me where I tell myself I need to be here for my babies. I am very sad inside and destroyed and can’t forget that day he raped me. I was humiliated, angry, very sad, confused in why this had to happen?! I don’t want to have the life I live in. Sometimes I go back and say maybe if I just consented, this would have not been a tragedy. But I know I didn’t want to do anything that day. I know I did my best to try to stop it clearly my crying and my NO’S weren’t enough. And me putting up a little fight to keep my pants up didn’t last, from him being way stronger then me. He got his way. My leggings and underwear were pulled down with
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Full force. So I stopped and froze, I fried silently. Now that I think of it I wonder why I didn’t scream or cry louder. I can answer that now, how am I supposed to be loud when he took everything I had from me and make me feel like completely NOTHING!! I felt like complete trash. Even if I could of done something differently nothing would of been differently. He could of hurt me more then he already did, I didn’t want to risk it, so my body shut down and froze and let him finish. I wish I can forget what happened but I can’t. It stays affecting me and it bothers me when somebody tells me I can change my view in the way of not letting it affect me. It infuriates me because I can’t control how I am going to feel each day. It’s a process and being hopelessness doesn’t make it any easier. Today is definitely a bad day where I can just manage to barley get through the day. It’s awful there is really no word to describe how I feel. I feel less of a survivor for going back to him. I
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Didn’t do it because I wanted to be romantically involved in as a relationship. But I did want some control over my body by seducing him. It’s so wrong and I feel disgusted and so many ways for what I did. But he took advantage and took everything from me. He messed up my head and I feel like I coped in that way, that ended up destroying me big time like crazy. Every time we would hangout he would take me to eat and then go directly to bed. I felt like I needed to make sure he knew I desired to have rough sex to where I was normalizing the rape. And then there was other days where I felt where I deserved to be fucked in that way because I deserved it, where it would be devastating and leaving me sobbing where I couldn’t breath right from how bad I was crying. And he would stare at me and get scared, only because he was afraid somebody was going to see how I was. I believe he had no remorse or sympathy for how he left me feeling, it was more like hey calm down you are scaring me
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How about if a cop comes and I get in trouble. He would mention how he didn’t want to go back to jail. Going to trial definitely affected me because he was found not guilty of raping me. I couldn’t believe I was let down, yet I can’t believe I still went back to somebody so cruel and evil but most of all MY RAPIST? I feel so wrong and less that I had to go on google and search up any other survivors that went through the same thing. And shockingly there was. I didn’t feel alone. But in a way I do because I can’t talk and reach to them. And it’s killing me not being able to speak about it. I need to speak to someone before I get worse. [sad face emoji] I can’t speak to my friends or family because I can’t imagine sharing or anybody knowing I slept with him. I don’t feel okay at all and I will forever keep repeating I am worthy and valuable until I actually believe it….
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Also wanted to add how during the time I was seeing him he wanted to get back together with me and he would manipulate me in telling me how he would kill himself if I didn’t give him a chance. I remember sitting in his car crying how unfair it felt for him to tell me that. It got so bad I continued to see him and each time he would take more and more from me destroying me even more. I couldn’t risk him killing him self because then everything would be known to the light where we were seeing each other and having his death be my fault whether it was true or not. I know deep inside I wanted closure and peace and it to be Normal. I was in denial big time. But what did i get out of all this?!? Just it being the worst nightmare!!! I just destroyed myself more and have more healing to do. Only god and I know how I tried to stop seeing him but he would blow up my phone and I know as more time passed I felt good in myself for not answering and seeing him. But then came my days where I
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Didn’t feel so good and I answered and found the words to have me see him again so I did. It got to a point where we would talk as if we were gf/bf and I allowed him to call me babe and other things that made me feel less of a person. I found it weird that he wanted to be with me but I went with it and acted like a relationship because I didn’t want to be a rape victim !! I wanted to feel normal!!! So if I had to pretend to do this to not have me feeling like the rape occurred or even mattered I did it because I was lost and couldn’t manage to cope. I even got pregnant a couple months ago by him because I was so careless and my depression was severe to the point where I put myself in situations where I should have never been in. I am grieving so bad for my baby. I am sorry I couldn’t keep you. There was no way I could of carried on with the pregnancy and also had another child by him knowing he raped me! Everyday I think of my baby and there are days I cry. I am so sorry god forgive me. Only God and I know the true pain I felt. Forever in my heart you will remain [broken heart emojis] please write something below, just anything I feel emotionally drained and numb..
Published as written (retyped from chat platform with emojis indicated in brackets).